parenting yourself

The tug-of-war between who I want to be and who I am at 6AM

My alarm went off early Monday morning for 7AM SoulCycle. But I stayed up too late scrolling TikTok the night before. I told myself I need more sleep, that I’ll be too tired for a long day ahead if I don’t get these two more hours. It sounded like a reasonable argument from me to me. I hit snooze. The choice is made before both of my eyes are even open.

Then comes the aftermath of that decision: guilt. When I go to the workout class, I become ‘someone who goes to workout classes at 7AM.’ That version of me also finds it easier to do the grocery run afterward. But when I skip it, I become ‘someone who skips things’ and that version makes different choices all day.

I find myself explaining why I didn’t go: “I was just so tired,” “I really needed the rest,” “My body was telling me something.” Like a child trying to justify to a parent why she didn’t do her homework. Except I’m playing both roles in this conversation, and neither part is buying it.

That tension between expectation and action reminds me of childhood rules: when you couldn’t have dessert until dinner was finished, or couldn’t watch TV until chores were done. That external discipline worked because someone else was holding the boundary. But now, I’m both rule-setter and rule-breaker, enforcing the boundary while also finding ways around it.

We create lofty routines and goals: the 5-9 before the 9-5, the ideal week, the daily to-do list. But when you know you’ll always let yourself off the hook, you start finding reasons: “I need rest.” “I’ll go tomorrow.” “It’s better to listen to my body.” And sometimes those reasons are true. But sometimes, they’re just the child-self convincing the parent-self to let her have ice cream for dinner.

We romanticize routine so much, the perfect Day In A Life. But living it can feel boring. Mundane. Even like punishment sometimes. The same coffee shop, the same workout, the same grocery store route. There’s something about the monotony of “good choices” that makes our brain rebel. The child-self says, “This isn’t fun anymore, why are we doing this?”

The goal isn’t to silence the child-self or to let the parent-self rule with an iron fist, but figuring out how they work together. “We’re going to the class, but afterward we'll get coffee at that new place down the street.” Or “We’re sleeping in today, but we’re not going to spend the whole day feeling shame about it.”

Maybe adulthood is just learning to parent the child you still are, with a little more patience, a little less punishment, and the grace to try again tomorrow.

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✍️ Weekly REPORT

Reading (Rewatching): This month has been a really busy one, and I still haven’t picked Emma up yet (sorry to my book club). But I have rewatched Robert Irwin’s dance from Dedication Night on DWTS at least 2x a day just to feel something.

Eating (Drinking): I’m really DIY-ing this week. I had my first Pumpkin Spice Margarita, and it might be better than all of TJ’s seasonal products combined

Playing: The Art of Loving by Olivia Dean is such a joyful, refreshing listen. Her voice is pure honey.

Obsession: I watched The Girlfriend in one day. It’s a short mini-series/thriller that hooks you from the very first episode.

Recommending: You only have 15 days left to get in the festive spirit and order some Chinese food, watch Practical Magic, and make midnight margaritas.

Treat: My “treat” this weekend was more of a feeling - being overwhelmed with gratitude with those who came to hang out or reached out to make my birthday special. I feel so lucky to have people in my life who show up, celebrate, and rally behind me.

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👀 Tweets of the Week

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P.S. I think it’s safe to say whenever there’s a long weekend, you can expect these on Thursdays ;)